Trust
by astheblackrosewilts
Summary: Rodney has some things he needs to tell Stephen Caldwell, tag fic for The Long Goodbye so lots and lots of spoilers. McKayCaldwell Slash, seriously


AN – I can't honestly believe that I wrote this, and there was no way in hell it was supposed to be this long but what can I say, what the bunny bites… I had to write it and to be honest I am no where near sure about this fic but if I wrote it I might as well post it, and anyway, someone somewhere will probably like it. I don't think I've gotten the voices to be honest, First pairing fic other than McShep that I've written though so maybe I can be excused –hopeful grin-

Summary – McKay has some things he needs to tell Stephen Caldwell, tag fic for The Long Goodbye so lots and lots of spoilers. McKay/Caldwell Slash, seriously

Rating - PG-13

Disclaimer – If I own them why aren't they all having mad passionate sex?

**Trust **

_"Is it possible that because I was host to a Goa'uld, you don't trust me, Doctor?"_

The words reverberated round Rodney's brain, refusing to go away.

_"Is it possible-"_

"Shut up!" He hissed out loud, causing a passing private to stare at him until he growled and she scuttled away.

There had been pain in those words, as much as he tried to deny it.

He hadn't seen him since Carson had confirmed that John and Elizabeth were actually who they said they were.

Stephen had nodded once and had walked away.

Rodney had started to follow but John had latched onto his arm and asked for a report.

Rodney had turned to tell him no, that it would be better to wait until Elizabeth was conscious too and had realised instantly that the Sheppard hadn't wanted a report but more had wanted proof that there was someone other than Carson who believed that he was actually who he said he was. Someone who was willing to trust him with the secrets of Atlantis without wondering exactly what it was he was going to do with them.

He remembered people looking at him suspiciously for weeks after what had happened with Cadman, expecting him to go Rambo-marine or whatever the hell it was on them, or to plant one on Carson.

Not that he had particularly minded that, the story, as well as the one regarding his disastrous date with Katie Brown had somehow, he suspected Cadman had had something to do with it, gotten back to Stephen Caldwell and had been what led to the Colonel making his move in the first place. He had his suspicions, the looks Cadman had been giving him the morning after, even as she'd consoled Katie, were somewhat smug, as she'd spotted Rodney, from her place on Carson's lap, enter the Mess Hall whistling.

Anyway, when his brain had been taken over he, at least, had the fact that it was a fairly limited number of people who knew what had happened as well as the fact that she was a Daedalus soldier working in his favour, Sheppard didn't have any of that.

And Rodney was willing to bet that it would be a long time before everyone stopped looking at Sheppard with suspicion, there was no physical evidence that he was no longer a host after all, unless you counted Carson's voodoo anyway, and the good people of the SGC were used to be able to see a Goa'uld symbiote at the very least.

So he had given a report, trying to convey the whole while that he trusted him. The report was hurried and lacking severely, the he had the only thing he had managed to convey with any sort of clarity was how well Stephen had acted throughout the crisis, knowing that Sheppard would transfer the words of praise, if reluctantly, just in case Sheppard saw his lover before he did. From the look on the Colonel's face as he left though he hadn't done a great job in displaying his trust, but there would be time for that later.

And so here he was, after being held up by first Carson and then Radek, hurrying down the corridor, towards his lover's, now fairly permanent Atlantean quarters, practicing what he was going to say, planning how he was going to fix it this time, he hadn't got long, the Daedalus was only on a short run this time. In fact, he realised, the Daedalus had simply delayed their leaving time due to the occurrences of earlier, he had expected his lover to be gone already, one of the reasons he had been so surprised to see him this morning.

He groaned inwardly as he recalled his reaction to the Daedalus Captain's presence, no wonder he thought he didn't trust him.

Well that and the fact that it was one of the first time's he'd seen him since they'd discovered the Goa'uld, they were both doing an excellent job at avoiding each other and he was sick of it.

When it came down to it he missed the man.

"Look," he began as the door opened for him, "I'm…" He broke off, the room was empty. Of course, he realised bitterly, he really should have suspected this.

There was a note on the pillow he noticed suddenly and he tore it open eagerly.

**_Doctor McKay, _**

**_Please accept my apologies for cancelling our meeting plans in which to discuss the suggested hyperdrive modifications. I regret that at this point in time rescheduling is not an option as after speaking to Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard myself and my crew will be departing for the Milky Way Galaxy immediately._**

**_Colonel Stephen Caldwell_**

Rodney let his head drop. Wait a minute, did cancelled plans mean he was dumped! No way in hell was he going to let this go without a fight, he'd always been bad at relationships before mainly because he spent more time with his computer than he did with which ever partner was complaining at the time, now he finally had an excuse to live at the office. He lived about thirty seconds walk from his lab for Christ sakes, he could afford to spend a bit more time with people he cared about, but did that mean…

Then suddenly the contents of the letter registered and Rodney sprinted out of the door towards Carson's domain without another thought.

Cannonballing through the door of Sheppard and Elizabeth's private room he attracted the stares of at least half-a-dozen orderlies left in his wake and the two people he had come to see as he panted out his question. "Have you seen him yet?"

From the completely nonplussed expressions on the faces of the two people before him he realised he probably wasn't being all that coherent.

" Caldwell, he clarified, "have you seen Colonel Stephen Caldwell recently, both of you, either of you?"

Elizabeth shot him a bemused look, "is there a problem Rodney?"

'_Yes!'_ "No," he gritted out, "I just need to speak with him regarding the Daedalus hyperdrive."

Elizabeth looked at him sympathetically, "sorry Rodney but he left about a quarter of an hour ago, maybe you can see him when he returns, I'm sure that-"

Rodney heard Elizabeth break off as she realised that he was already out the door and even managed to register John's 'what the hell' but realised that he didn't care

'He must have waited until I left the infirmary to go to my quarters and gone to see them then, if he left, what, five minutes afterwards then he's had more than long enough to get back to the Daedalus.' Rodney was racing towards the gate room now, all the time thanking God for all of those off world missions where he'd ended up sprinting for his life.

Almost barrelling into the back of the chair of the Canadian technician he still hadn't learnt the name of he babbled the question at the stunned scientist, "has the Daedalus left yet?"

"Yes sir."

"Already? The Colonel couldn't have returned to the ship more than ten minutes ago!" The other man looked quite scared, Rodney couldn't bring himself to care.

"From what I understand Sir the ship was ready to go, they were just waiting for the Colonel Sir… I can call them back if there's an emergency… Sir."

Rodney opened his mouth, "yes, I think there may be a problem with their hyperdrive." The words were out before he'd had a chance to register them and he froze realising that what he was saying was probably going to get him into a world of very serious shit. That it wasn't just his lover he was calling back it was one of only two of Earths Space-ready ships, that were suitable for trans-galactic travel and that, alongside Stephen, were somewhere around three hundred other people.

He opened his mouth again to say… what? How exactly could he change what he'd just said, say that he was joking! But the Canadian's fingers were flying over the keys and it's at this point that Rodney realises just how deep he's in because he's speaking to a very pissed off sounding Stephen thanks to a three foot tall, grey miracle worker who had somehow managed to get the signal to broadcast from where the Daedalus was to Atlantis. Even considering that the Daedalus wasn't yet travelling in hyperspace it was still a significant difference.

"I think there may be a problem with your hyperdrive Colonel," he began, if not expecting then at least hoping that his lover would meet him in the middle.

He needn't have bothered the words were colder than Antarctica had ever been, "I believe that you are, in fact, mistaken Doctor." Rodney flinched, ok he'd deserved that, he hadn't exactly treated his lover as well as he could have done seeing him for the first time since they'd found out that the man had been in possession of a Goa'uld symbiote hadn't been easy for anyone but still it wasn't like Stephen had been making the effort to see him either a quick apology that Rodney hadn't actually understood just after the Daedalus arrived, it definitely wasn't just him that had been doing to avoiding round here, in fact every time he'd actually taken it into his head to go and find the other man he'd been busy with something or another, Rodney gritted his teeth, right, that stopped now…

"Then why aren't you in hyperspace yet," he challenged, unable to stop the words leaving his mouth, when in doubt challenge their authority or intelligence, after so many years working with the US military the tactic was instinctive, as he'd also proved earlier today though, instinctive actions could occur at the worst times.

There was a tense pause as the staff surrounding him watched the little byplay that was occurring in front of this, like they didn't have anything better to do. Rodney snarled at them and they all spun round, almost in unison, turning away as quickly as possible, many of them suddenly realising that they had vital work on the other side of the city.

Then he heard a click of a radio and Hermiod's voice come form the comm. box, "Doctor McKay I hear you are concerned with the condition of our hyperdrive?"

"Erm… Yeah," Christ why hadn't he thought this one through! "I think there might be a problem with the seminal release valve of the second core, if it overheated it could cause major problems. As of course you're aware."

'Come on Hermiod,' he pleaded silently, 'I know that everything I just said was complete crap but what did we spend all that time for bonding over the Wraith virus if not for you to work with me in things like this?'

There was a pause. "I had not noticed such a problem," the voice came back suddenly and Rodney had to bite his tongue to stop himself from cursing, "however, upon a closer inspection I have discovered that there may be a predicament as the one you described Doctor McKay, I believe that as such it would be prudent for us to return to Atlantis to attempt to facilitate the reversal of the polarity to keep the Drive running at optimum and to prevent us from being stranded between Galaxies."

'Thank you,' Rodney whispered silently, 'thank you, thank you, thank you and may the god that looks over tiny, asexual, Roswell escapees bless you and your bullshit for ever and ever amen.'

"It would appear," Stephen was back on the line, his voice frosty, "that my ship's Asgard scientist agrees with you Doctor McKay."

"You believed I was mistaken?" Rodney fired at him and instantly regretted the words.

"It wouldn't be the first time you've been wrong would it _Doctor_?"

Rodney freezes and he registers silence over the radio and realises bleakly that the Colonel seems as surprised at the words as him. Well, talk about hitting below the belt.

"It must have been a problem we missed what with the situation earlier. Requesting permission to return to Atlantis." The tone is less icy now, still cold but now there's a hint of an apology in it, one that no one other than Rodney will pick up on of course but it's there, at least he hopes it is.

He waits for a second before realising that with Weir and Sheppard in the infirmary still he was the one who was in charge and God was that a terrifying thought or not? "Permission granted," he responded hurriedly, trying to make it sound as though he had known he was being asked all along. "See you soon Colonel."

The connection went dead and Rodney sighed, not sure himself if it was of relief of exhaustion, it had been a very long day after all

"A major problem Sir?" the technician asked hesitantly.

"That depends," Rodney muttered softly, "on just how willing the Colonel is to listen to me and let him know what's happened."

"Sir?"

Rodney jumped, "it is his ship after all," he continued hurriedly, "and he didn't sound completely as though he believed me." He tries to inject the correct amount of scorn into his voice.

"Yes, Sir." The Canadian sounded doubtful but quite frankly Rodney didn't care, he had an Asgard backing him up after all and if anyone though to check out the problem he was quite capable of adding an extra piece of machinery into the hyperdrive's mechanics or even of changing the name of one of the current one to corroborate his story

Not all he had to do was decide what to say.

Fuck.

It was a Colonel whose face was as icy as his voice had been that greeted Rodney as he entered the Daedalus' bridge, "Doctor McKay," he spat. "I understand we have a problem with the hyperdrive."

Rodney didn't even flinch, "Yes," he remarked evenly, arrogantly, as if wondering how his word could ever be doubted. "Hermiod is attempting to find a solution to the problem and as the working space is limited he's asked me to explain the situation to you before getting some food and some rest, in that order. Apparently this could take a while and I'm more valuable if I've slept in the last thirty-six hours and am not at risk of becoming hypoglycaemic.

He knows that none of the bridge crew who are suddenly rolling their eyes would believe him even if they knew but he actually didn't intend to cause the flicker of concern that appears in the grey eyes, he actually hasn't slept in that long, he's not just playing for sympathy but since Hermiod actually has ordered him to get food, sleep and to speak with the Captain about what's wrong he doesn't consider his comment to be that much of a stretch of the truth.

Stephen stares him down for a second before he nods sharply and stalks off in the direction of the Daedalus' Mess Hall, leaving Rodney to follow.

Once they're settled at a table at the far corner of the mess hall Rodney digs into what is possibly the best lasagne ever and Stephen rolls his eyes. When Rodney pauses to drink he cuts in.

"So cut to the chase McKay, What's the problem?"

Rodney knows that he's expecting some half-assed excuse regarding the hyperdrive but all of a sudden he's tired of lies, it's not talking that's left him in this position anyway and he's pretty sure that he must have broken three or four dozen regulations, at least one of which is probably a hanging offense when he offered a fraudulent claim as to why the Daedalus should return.

"Not you." The words are simple but he hopes they convey everything he wanted to say.

As Stephen snorts he realises he's not being let off that easily and sighs inwardly even as he's asked.

"Are you going to tell me that it's not me it's you."

Rodney glares, "well it's true," he snaps quietly.

"Bullshit," his lover's -ex-lover's?- grey eyes are sad, "you don't trust me anymore Rodney, it's as simple as that."

"You don't understand."

"What," Stephen looks around quickly, realising he may have shouted the last word, "what, he carries on in a whisper, "exactly is there to understand? I was a Goa'uld, you don't trust the Goa'uld, who knows how I got it in me, I must be working for The Trust… Right?" He rubs a hand over his eyes and Rodney realises that he probably hasn't had much more sleep than he himself has "Look, I can't say I blame you not after what It did to you, in fact if it was the other way around I might be treating you the same but at least don't treat me like an idiot. I've been trying to make this as easy as possible on the both of us, we don't need to talk about it"

"It's _not you_." Rodney repeats, hissing the words in a violent whisper, "I ate with It and laughed with It, I even kissed It, how the hell did I not notice! It's not you I don't trust Colonel it's me, how can I deal with it if I can't trust myself to be able to tell when something's wrong?" His voice drops suddenly, "I may be no good at relationships Colonel but even I know that a snake in the head is something that you're supposed to notice about your lover. I… Hang on a minute, what do you mean what it did to me?"

There's disbelieving silence for a few seconds, "It raped you."

Rodney just stares at him. "What are you talking about…?"

"It did," Stephen looks as though the enormity of it had just hit him even though this is obviously something he's been thinking about for a while, Rodney's eyes narrow suspiciously, it would appear he wasn't the only one who was avoiding the other, "didn't It? No wonder you were avoiding me."

To be honest the possibility has never occurred to him till now, "that wouldn't have happened," he denies automatically, "It would know that there was no way I would have kept quiet about it."

"I don't mean in the kicking and screaming kind of way, I mean-"

"Just how much of those few weeks do you remember," Rodney breaks in suspiciously. "Stephen look at me, because if you recall, that bug I picked up on M5X 737 kind of put a damper on the first three weeks of that 'holiday' and I spent most of my time when I wasn't feeling so bad trying to make sure that Kavanaugh didn't blow up the labs, I…" Rodney broke off, "That's why you were being so careful not to come near me," he realised, "I thought it was a bit strange, I mean granted I was ill but we still hadn't been together in over a month, normally."

"I…"

"You don't remember do you." It wasn't a question but a guilty shake of the head answered it anyway. "For fuck's sake Stephen. Tell me you've at least told someone."

"Of course I have, the doctors back at the SGC know and so does Carson, they think it was either an act on the part of the Goa'uld to stop me from arguing as much though they usually seem to enjoy that so I don't know about that one or a defense mechanism on my part, they saw no problems with letting me come back to Atlantis or to fly the Daedalus but when I saw you and I realised what it must have done, when I apologised you just looked at me and I assumed…"

"Well ask me next time."

"So it didn't…"

"No…"

"Never…?"

"Not even close." Stephen lets a breath out in a whoosh and Rodney can't resist. "God thing too because if I'd been sleeping with a Goa'uld I wouldn't be able to go on at Sheppard about the alien priestesses an more would I."

The grey eyes are flashing furiously all of a sudden, "don't even joke about it, you understand?"

Rodney realises belatedly that he's made a mistake, "sorry." And as Stephen looks at him knows he's forgiven instantly, no conditions, no wordy apologies, he smiles, it's a nice feeling.

Stephen suddenly seems to realise that Rodney's reasons for avoiding him are still even though his own had been found to be fraudulent.

"Rodney, even if I don't remember I do know that it wasn't just you who didn't notice."

Rodney snorts.

"I mean it," Stephen looks at him seriously. "I was caught and that thing was stuck in me by The Trust a week before the Daedalus was due to depart for here, and we were late in setting off, that's a month before I even got here in which no one noticed that there was a problem. I was here three weeks and what I can remember is a distinct sense of terror that It was going to do something terrible."

Rodney gapes at him, "blowing up not only Atlantis but the planet Ford christened Atlantica isn't terrible enough for you?"

"Of course it is! But It could have raped you, It could have killed you." The voice was soft, "easily, there were so many times… It could have done anything to you and it would have been my hands doing it and I couldn't have stopped them."

Rodney reaches out automatically, if awkwardly, before remembering where they are and pulling back.

As Rodney digests this he sees Stephen take a sip of his tea and is struck with the bizarre piece of normality in this conversation.

"Jesus."

"I thought you were an atheist."

Rodney rolls his eyes and realises that he probably couldn't resist, Lord knows he's told him often enough. "I go with what works okay?"

"I'm sorry," the words catch him by surprise and he frowns.

"What for?"

"For what I said earlier, on the ship, about you being wrong, that was out of line and I'm sorry."

Rodney waves his hand, "don't worry about it, you were right, I have been wrong before."

"I know, but bringing it up like that was childish and I'm sorry."

There's silence and while both of them are thinking it neither wants to say the word 'Doranda'.

"You were right anyway," Rodney whispers eventually, more out of a paranoid expectation that they're going to be overheard than any real remorse or regret. "I was just bullshitting."

"I thought you might be but I couldn't actually believe that you'd call the ship back just to tell me…" he hesitates, "whatever it was you wanted to tell me, or that you'd get Hermiod in on it come to think."

Rodney shakes his head, "no, not taking the blame for that, whatever Hermiod decided to say or not say had nothing to do with me, he chose to say it on the spur of the moment and with absolutely no interference on my part."

"It seems," Stephen murmurs after those words sink in, "that our Asgard friend knows more than we though he did."

All of a sudden Rodney feels too tired even to finish the lasagne in front of him that's beginning to go cold. "You expected any less?" he asks instead.

"No." Stephen is watching him. "No I suppose I didn't, or shouldn't have at the least.

The pause this time feels more comfortable and less like they're waiting for the other to speak, Stephen drops his cup back onto the desk just as Rodney downs the last of his coffee and in silent agreement they both stand up.

"I'm sorry," Rodney doesn't speak the words until they're far away from the mess hall heading towards the crew's quarters.

"I know, it's ok, just tell me next time something happens alright?" Rodney nods. "After all, we wouldn't want to do anything to risk this 'relationship' would we."

Rodney feels confused and he knows he looks it, a fairly rare look for him but he feels it's justified. "What?"

"That's what you called it," his lover explains, "'I know I'm no good at relationships' is that what you think this is."

They're at the door now and it's Rodney not Stephen who is typing in the security code to allow them to enter the Colonel's quarters. He finishes and the door opens for them both.

"Is that a problem?" Rodney enquires politely.

"As long as it wasn't just a slip of the tongue for you."

Wordlessly Rodney shakes his head and for the first time in too long he sees his lover smile at him.

"Good."

And Rodney's eyes close automatically as his lips are brushed first gently and then more firmly as a hesitant tongue starts to prod at his lips for the first time in too long. Suddenly his lover pulls back and he opens his eyes, confused.

"What's wrong."

"Did it kiss you like this?"

Rodney looks at him, annoyed, "I thought I told I told you I didn't sleep with it."

"You did, but you also said you kissed it." Rodney hesitates.

"You're right, I did, about five minutes before I was diagnosed with the flu bug thing, to be honest I was pretty pissed off about it at the time but with hindsight's view I doubt I'll ever feel this relieved about a disease ever again, maybe fate doesn't hate me that much."

"So just one kiss."

"Just one kiss." Rodney looks at him. "Are you okay with that?"

"No, I want to kill it, I want to rip its spine out vertebrae by vertebrae..." If he's honest Rodney actually feels a little flattered. So he just smiles indulgently and waits for the murderous rage to leave his lover's suddenly tense body.

Placing his hands on Stephen's hips he tugs him forwards lightly, causing the other man to look at him in slight surprise. "Sorry to interrupt all this sweet pillow talk but I'll ask again, 'are you okay with that'?"

"No, but I will be as long as you are."

"I think I'll be just fine though it's probably going to all come out in a manically deadly wrath some day but Heightmeyer will almost certainly ultimately trace the origins of the killing spree to my parents and possibly Kavanaugh so I think we're okay there…" Stephen blinks at him and Rodney smiles as he wraps his arms round his lover's waist and feels the action mirrored on his own. "I'll be fine, now stop stalling and I promise that I'm not going to argue as you prove to me it's you. I'll even refrain from quoting wormhole physics."

Grey eyes bore into his own for a few seconds before he's being kissed to within an inch of his life and pulled backwards onto the strategically placed bed.

"Ok," he admits, eyes rolling back into his head as a pair of hands finish unbuttoning his shirt and start on his trousers, "maybe a little wormhole physics."

Fin

AN – like I said, this didn't turn out anything like I expected, it was supposed to be less than a thousand words for a start and was supposed to end when Rodney was in his room and got the note, then it was supposed to end in the gate room, believe me I was surprised as Rodney when he told the Cute Canuck to call the Daedalus back!


End file.
